First week of counselling. I am feeling vulnerable again, even after sleeping on it.
Everything was fine, or I felt fine. It was good to be back, to think about the next stage and ponder our future tasks. I feel comfortable with the coursework and my ability to complete the course. But something has left me with a heavy feeling in my gut, and I don’t like it. Something changed with the reemergence of the anxiety linked to role play .
It triggered loads of stuff in me.
✅ Who am I? How should I behave?
✅ I should keep my mouth shut and think before I speak
✅ Why can I not feel empathy for their anxiety? Because my frame of reference is me. I’m not walking in their shoes, I’m still wearing my own.
✅ Why does their anxiety make me anxious? Am I anxious about my feelings of intolerance towards them? Or is there some sort of transference going on?
✅ That they are afraid of working with me, that they believe our interactions will unearth stuff that they would prefer to keep buried.?
✅ I know I have got to work through this and yet the prospect feels really hard. I am at the bottom of the mountain again, the top feels like it’s a long way away and I’m not mountain fit.
What do I have to work through? Well I can only assume this is down to trust and feelings of safety, on both sides. Keeping calm and just listening. But I now feel like I don’t have the words or I have the potential for the wrong words. I’m afraid of hurting them, because they are so afraid of being hurt or hurting.
Does personal development hurt? Based on my own experiences, yes i think it does. Though is hurt the correct word, perhaps “causes discomfort” explains it better? It was really hard in those early days, AND I didn’t have to do it in a group setting. this stuff requires honesty and congruence – all those buzz words that make sense when working with people in this sort of environment. As a result, this morning I am doubting my own authenticity again..
WHO AM I????
Does personal still hurt me (cause discomfort? For some reason this word still doesn’t feel right) Not in the same way as it once did. I think I have a better acceptance of myself now, I am less judgemental of myself, and more reflective. Aware of my feelings, and the thoughts associated with these feelings. Managing them and not burying them.
BUT I AM MOST DEFINITELY STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS …
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